Well, I am no longer allowed to call him at work, and since he doesn't return any of my calls to his cell after work I guess we're pretty much not friends anymore. And, hey, that kinda sucks! He was very sweet about it, but it's still a rejection of sorts. I know he has to work and such, but I pretty much don't exist in his life otherwise. I've never quite understood why. We used to talk on the phone and stuff, but he quit taking my calls for whatever reason. I guess that should have been my first hint. But, then, he still wants to talk to me at times. So, I don't know. Everything must be by his terms or his idea (even though I had pretty much called him the night before and said the same thing), and I'm too much of a pushy broad to let him get away with that. Also, he plays way too many games for me. Why do we always fall in love with the wrong people? The ones who don't want us around and have no interest in anything having to do with us? The ones who are total mismatches? I don't know. I don't think anyone will ever love me - not the way I need/want to be loved. I somehow wonder if sometimes I don't think love can exist without massive amounts of pain. And, I feel really like I'm clinging desperately to any and everyone I can just so that I'm not totally lost at sea. And, hey, the PMS isn't helping.
Anyhow, it's just been a rough week. My great uncle's funeral is today, and of course I'm not going. I don't do funerals anymore. Too many have come my way over the years. And, really, the man was a dead ringer for my grandma (his sister). I just know I'd lose it if I had to see him, and I really don't want to subject my family to that. They have major issues with any display of emotion - which is probably why I'm such an unholy mess most of the time. But, the truth is that I feel like I'm losing my grandma again. He was the last one of her siblings, and everytime I saw him he looked and sounded and acted so much like her. He and her younger sister were the only two people in the world - at least that I'd ever met - who had the same blue eyes as my grandma. None of their kids inherited them. It was just exclusive to that generation apparently. Strange.
And, to top things off, my confidante, Steve, is out of pocket at Twangfest. When it rains, it pours. I know I should learn to deal with all of this on my own, but I'm used to having a sounding board. It fucking sucks when all that falls through and you're alone with your own thoughts and time to stew.
TMR
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