Well, I've spent the past week contemplating how my brain functions. I cannot seem to handle crowds. I just get overwhelmed with noise and anxiety, and usually it ends with a great deal of embarassment on my part. I'm not sure why. It's like some sort of sensory overload. I really think I may be dealing with a social phobia at this point. I keep thinking it will get better, but it never does. I can handle conversations with one person - even in public - but I cannot do groups. I feel slightly deranged. I really do. It's not a comfortable feeling. I don't know. I guess I'm just not a people person. Or maybe it has to do with the hearing loss I experienced when I was small (from chronic ear infections and music played too loud). I jsut have to step back and take a few deep breaths and try again. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. It makes me feel like maybe I have more serious mental illness than I realize. And, that is not a comfortable feeling for me. But, when I'm with Mom or someone else close to me, I have no problems. Even family gatherings are not a problem. I dont' know. Maybe L's right. Maybe I am nuts. Or maybe I'm just a person out of time - like I should have been one of the early feminists or something in a time when things moved slower and people didn't think multi-tasking was the only way to go!
Sigh...
TMR
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