Man/friend/man-friend trouble...

How do you know when it's time to give up? How do you know how much of it is your perception and how much is the other person? How do you know you're not just being paranoid when you think the other person is trying to get rid of you? These are the questions I've been grappling with. Because part of me hates that cowardice that allows people to reject without having to appear unkind or hateful. Somehow, giving people the brush off non-verbally or by avoidance seems too easy and even more annoying. I just mentally go into Sam Kenison mode, mentally screaming "Say it! Just fucking say it!" I don't know how unfair this is to the other person - still grappling with that - but probably not anymore unfair than getting the brush-off after a year or so of friendship (or longer in some cases in the past). I don't know. I really am beginning to think I'm too generous with some people, but I don't know how to turn off my caring nature for some and not for all. Unfortunately, I'm a misanthropic caregiver. Plus, I see the worst and accept it, but I do expect people to cut me the same slack. Very rarely happens, folks! The world is lacking love, kindness and a generosity of spirit. That's why I always argue with people who say the internet is a bad thing because, if not for my friends here and over on yahoo groups, I don't think I'd be alive at this point. Anyhow, only two more doses of my antibiotics, thank god! I think they're making me a bit crazy. But, hey, it separates out the people who can hang from those who can't, even if that is painful.

TMR
Currently listening to Springtime Can Kill You whilst watching the visuals on her updated Windows media player. Is that a pathetic way to spend a Friday night?

Constant PMS? Oy vey!

Um, okay, I feel like I have constant PMS right now, even though it's totally the wrong time of month. I'm hoping it's just the antibiotics and not the Wellbutrin. I don't know if I can handle another antidepressant change this quickly. Sigh. Anyhow, too much caffeine tonight to try not to keel over, now I'm wide awake. Sigh.

TMR

NP - Elvis Costello & Allen Toussaint - The River in Reverse

Communication breakdown...

So, I think my antidepressants ARE making me aggressive, or else my natural personality is just a hard ass who doesn't put up with a lot of shit. Come to think of it my mother is like that, so probably the latter. Anyhow, I think I've finally had it with passive-aggressive people. I can think of numerous examples from today, but since you've all already met my good friend L., I'll tell you about that one. So, I go in to help Mom because they're moving into a trailer while the dealership is being remodeled. L. and I end up out there at the same time - he's trying to unpack his shit, I'm trying to carry in Mom's. I'm just making small talk and enjoying the AC because it's cooler in the trailer than it ever has been in Mom's office. And, I'm trying not to fall asleep, which after nearly 2.5 hours in and out of the heat is damn difficult when one finally finds comfy air conditioning. So, I'm standing there watching him unpack, just telling him that I'm going to get my own office and stuff when Mom moves back to that bedroom. I'm talking and he's making these little huffing noises and shit. Well, pardon me I wasn't ready to go back out in the heat. So, I just stand there and absorb the air conditioner and spacing out because I'm so tired and I just need a few minutes away from the fray, and he's still acting like he's put out that I'm there. And, I'm thinking, "just say, 'Tracy, I really need to focus on this so that I can finish and go home.' and we'll be good." But, of course, he doesn't. He just continues to give me looks and hope I'll take the hint because I'm such a nice little girl and all that shit. And, he has the gall to act like I'm the one behaving badly when I'm pretty much just trying to rest a bit. So, I finally go, "L., am I distracting you?" "Um, yeah, just the tiniest bit," with a laugh like he's making fun of me for not figuring it out sooner. And, I'm thinking, "You dumbass, I figured it out. I just wanted you to act like an adult instead of a petulant child." But, I digress...So, I go, "Okay, so say that...nicely." And, he just looked at me.

I know he doesn't want me around, he's made it quite clear with actions, but I haven't been getting personal, nor have I been taking up much of his time. If someone's disturbing me while I'm trying to work, I don't get passive-aggressive and either shout or huff. I say, "I really need to finish this. Can we talk later?" or something. Duh! I guess this is what's been getting on my nerves for a long time. People either feel they have to be brutally honest or they feel they have to drop little hints. What happened to directness, to honesty, to saying what you mean (as long as you do it nicely)? Anyhow, this is just indicative of why most people drive me nuts! Maybe I am too demanding, and maybe I'm just taking it out on him because he annoys me so much. I don't know. I'm hurt and he's never felt bad about taking it out on me. Yeah, I know that's not an excuse. I'm just saying, no matter how much he dislikes someone personally that's no reason to be a bitch about it, which he is. His venom is horrible. I'm sure when I'm not there he's going "God, I wish she'd leave me alone - the bitch." But, you know what, I've never been anything but nice to him, even if I have bugged him at times (which he kinda started by lapping up my attention because he needed attention), so it's all on him as far as I'm concerned. At least, I didn't scream at him, "just say it, you coward!" which I definitely was thinking. I don't know what's up with him lately. He's acting like a butt but covering it with politeness. Yeah, that's not annoying or anything. And, news flash, it doesn't make you any less of a butt!

TMR

I must be doing something right...

I have this theory now that anytime someone's making fun of me or looking at me like I'm strange I'm probably doing something right. I mean, most of the people doing the making fun are people I don't exactly dig or respect necessarily. So, if they think I'm a dork or whatever, it's their problem and it probably just means that they feel out of their depth or something with me. Just a random thought...

The Wellbutrin seems to be working well. It's crazy. I actually had energy all day yesterday and felt clear-headed, in spite of not getting much sleep the night before. I did take a nap yesterday afternoon though. Then, last night, I actually slept like a baby. Thank god! If I can get my sleep patterns evened out, that will go a long way to making me feel "normal" again.

Anyhow, feeling better overall...Working through some self-esteem issues, as well as my own misanthropy. Sigh. It's slow going, but worth it!

TMR

Wellbutrin, day 2

Well, today was better - actually got a few things finished. I bought groceries and helped my uncle rip out the ruined carpet in the bathroom and bedroom. Mostly I just held the door. We're about halfway finished now, but the concrete is drying out nicely. Everything was soaked. Who knows how long that pipe had been leaking?!? A lot of the stuff is Daddy's and just needs to be trashed, but it's difficult. I haven't been as moody today. Still a bit dizzy, but I think that's the antibiotics. A bit more volatile than usual still, but not nearly as bad as it has been in the past with medication switches. Got teary a few times. I think the hormones in my BCPs are helpful too. With that evened out, I'm much less likely to get really ticked off at anyone. LOL. Anyhow, still up and down, but better. Today is the 15th anniversary of my Dad's death. I wish I didn't remember these things sometimes. I really do.

TMR

I'm so tired...

You know, somedays I just sit around and wonder why life has to be this hard. Surely everyone's life isn't like mine. I certainly hope not. I marvel at how people can get bent out of shape over minutae. I just want to go, "Are you kidding me with this?" I know those little things can be frustrating, but they're not anything to lose your mind over. Sheesh. Maybe I'm just spinning my mental wheels anyhow. I have no energy for various, already discussed reasons, and now I'm having to run all over the place and move heavy things. Every muscle aches, esp. the ones in my legs. And, my head is a mess - I'm not sure if it's the carpet issue or the antibiotics. I've been feeling dizzy since I started those. And, I feel a bit muzzy I'm sure because I'm just worn out. Everything's exhausting. I wish I could take some time off, but everyone seems to want a piece of me this week. It's unfortunate. I feel like yelling at someone, I just don't have the energy. Maybe I'll feel better in a few more days when I quit the antibiotics and can take my vitamins again (you're not supposed to take any iron or C with these pills). I'm on a deadline for Weds too. Mom says it won't be a big deal, but she'll be yelling at me to fetch and carry tomorrow. Trust me.

Okay, so I'm whiny. I don't think I'm whiny most of the time, at least not compared to others. SO, I'm allowing myself to be whiny this week. I've earned it.

TMR

Tonight's the night...

Well, a major breakthrough of sorts - realized that I am continually drawn to men like my dad and expect them somehow to behave differently than he did in the same situation. What is it they say in AA? The definition of insanity is doing the same things over again and expecting different results. I guess when I was a kid I didn't understand that other people's actions, including Daddy's, weren't my fault. And, now, it's become second nature to believe that I'm responsible, that I'm not good enough. I'm always looking within instead of placing the blame where it belongs. But, it's tough. I keep feeling bad about having this anger toward my dad, about feeling that he was not a good dad in some ways. It's not a good feeling. I just wish I knew how to deal. Mom and I have this argument continually. She thinks I look back too much instead of looking forward, which to me makes me feel guilty because I'm just not there yet. And, I feel like I have to look back in order to fix whatever's wrong and move forward. I don't know. I'm just not the sort of person who can let it lie. It festers in my experience. And, sadly, I think both of my parents are examples of the "forget it and move on" philosophy not working.

TMR

Wellbutrin, day 1

Well, obviously not much improvement here. Just started the bloody things after all! I'm slipping into that worrying phase again where I think everyone dislikes me or wants to be rid of me. I know its part of the illness, at least for me, but it's hard to get past it. And, I'm going down into my shame cycle where I take on all the blame for everyone else's actions. I gotta quit doing that. I gotta quit thinking there's something inherently wrong with me that makes people dislike me. If they don't like me, it's their problem. Fuck 'em!

I sometimes wonder if I'll ever truly be over this. Take this week for example. I changed meds, started taking antibiotics, our back bedroom and bathroom flooded, all my dad's stuff was destroyed in the flood, and the 15th anniversary of his death is next week. Yeah, it's been a shitty few days.

TMR

What's the big deal?

You know, I'm really much better off when I'm allowed to just escape reality, or at least the parts of reality that are painful for me. Everyone seems hellbent on making me face up to it, but really what's so wrong with just writing to my heart's content (and trying to make a living pursuing my dream) and working on my magazine and reading my poetry and daydreaming? I guess I don't see the big deal as long as I'm functioning and it keeps me from feeling like crap all the time.

TMR

What's a girl to do?

So, I'm sure you all have guessed by now that one of my friends can't deal with my depression. Let's just call him L. - former crush, current best friend of sorts here. Except that he just can't deal with me when I'm sad! I don't know if it doesn't fit with his idea of me or if it just makes him uncomfortable for inexplicable (at least to me) reasons. I thrive on helping others, even if at times I wish they wouldn't become as reliant on me as they do. I don't understand fairweather friendships. I really don't. Or maybe we just have different ideas of what friendship should be. I don't know. He always says he figures there's nothing he can do. Why do some people not get that just listening is something they can do? It requires little action on their parts in fact. Strangely though, listening is one of the more difficult things for most people it seems. I'm just terribly confused. My personality is such that I don't need people in my life who aren't going to be there when the chips are down (I can't deal), but most of the time he's a very lovely person and he tries most of the time. Maybe he's just stressed to, and can't deal with it. Mom keeps telling me never to expect reciprocity, but god help me I do.

TMR

Third day off the pills...

Well, the second day off the pills was a nightmare, as I'm sure was evident from my posts yesterday. I had more mood swings than a menopausal woman, more than I've ever had with my PMDD. It was a nightmare. I spent most of the day feeling rejected - not that that's anything new for me. But yesterday was particularly bad.

Today I just feel sluggish, like I'm in the cone of silence. Not a good feeling. I hate this feeling. I can't even write well. Everything is just difficult, overwhelming. I hate that! I hate feeling like the littlest things can set me off. I hate feeling like I can't talk to anyone. Primo Levi said something like if you cut off his ability to communicate with others it was like death to him. That's how I feel when I'm depressed.

Anyhow, hoping the day will get better. It looks like rain.

TMR

Another link...

http://www.healingfromdepression.com/stigma.htm

A random thought...

I sometimes wonder if the stigma attached to depression doesn't have some underlying sexism. The fact that twice as many women as men suffer from the disease seems odd. Or maybe it's just that men don't report/admit/recognize it as often.

TMR

Another link...

http://www.wingofmadness.com/articles/whatis.htm

"People who don't know, who say it's self-indulgence, sound callous, but it's not callousness born of indifference; I think it's callousness born of ignorance. That kind of ignorance we've got to get rid of, and little by little I suppose, we will. You say to them, 'It's a pity you don't know. I'm sure that if you knew, I'm sure that if you knew, not only wouldn't you say that, you'd try to help in one way or another.'" - Mike Wallace, On the Edge of Darkness

iFred

http://www.ifred.org/

About iFred
The International Foundation for Research and Education on Depression (iFred), is a 501(c)3 organization dedicated to researching causes of depression, to support those dealing with depression, and to combat the stigma associated with depression.

Though several organizations deal with mental illness, few, if any, actually focus internationally on depression in an encouraging, enlightening way.

iFred’s primary goal is to bring energy and information together from a variety of existing sources to educate, inform and change the way we look at depression today.

Depression Info @ Yahoo Health!

http://health.yahoo.com/ency/healthwise/hw30709/

What's so hard to understand?

Why do people not understand that part of mental illness is that everything becomes overwhelming? These people who think everything is as simple as making up your mind and doing something are really hard for me to understand. They act like I'm whiny and have no direction. Fucking A! This whole thing with Mom's carpet and plumbing has really elucidated some stuff for me about some of my "friends." And, why do some men seem to think women want them to fix everything? I'm not asking for that, I'm just asking you to listen. Duh! Sheesh. People frustrate me no end sometimes. I spent the afternoon helping Mom out at her office because she didn't want me messing with the carpet or trying to move stuff out of there until she got home. And, I can't just sit here in a house that smells like mildew or something and not do anything about it. But, everything I suggested was met with a "don't do that." And, I'm not good at sitting on my hands. I'm really not. And, it's really not my mess to clean up anyhow. I spent two days telling her that something was leaking. Did she listen? No. I spent two days arguing with her that what I smelled was mildew and not something in the garbage or something...to no avail. And, now I have to deal with people who don't understand that not everything is black and white. GAH!

Anyhow, Mom spent most of this evening telling me that I should just accept that people are like this, but I'm not up to it. I want to educate people. I want for this whole stigma to be gone, for no one to look down on others for their use of anti-depressants or their admission that they have clinical depression. But, maybe Mom's right. Maybe I'm just tilting at windmills. Lovely thought that.

TMR

Conformity...

A "friend" told me the other day that I should try to blend in better. Um, yeah, gave up that ghost when I was 5 or so and went to kindergarten. Actually, when I'm at my most miserable is when I'm trying to curb my excesses. I'm really beginning to think that there is a reason why some of us are what other people would term "excessive." I have another friend who thinks that most people called excessive or overly sensitive are really just super-sensitive to all the currents that flow through daily life and daily interaction. I personally prefer the latter, and I've never really wanted to just blend in. I don't want to be a rock star or anything, but I do want to be different. And, I am in a lot of ways. I would think that being like everyone else would be boring after a while. I'm also coming to realize how out of my element I am here at "home." I feel trapped in small-town America where everyone thinks that too many people take Prozac and depression is a sign of mental and emotional weakness. Ah, if they only knew!

TMR

Welcome!

I've been toying with this idea for a while. I know there is a wealth of info on the internet about depression - some accurate, some not. But, I'm viewing this as an experiment in catharsis (hopefully). So, I'll either implode or work it out.

A few things for starters...I've probably suffered from depression most of my life, but I wasn't diagnosed with major depression until I was 14 - one year after my father passed away. These days, it's still an uphill battle. Anti-depressants are good and bad. I think they are over-prescribed sometimes...and undertested for potential harm. (I think this is true of most prescription drugs these days though. It's unfortunate for those of us who truly need them.) But, I also think they are necessary if you have a true chemical imbalance. I think there is still a stigma attached to depression in some quarters. In others, I think it's become a badge of honor. I have experienced both. Neither really works for me. Mostly right now, I'm just working on getting out of whatever circle of hell this is.

More later...
TMR