Well, a major breakthrough of sorts - realized that I am continually drawn to men like my dad and expect them somehow to behave differently than he did in the same situation. What is it they say in AA? The definition of insanity is doing the same things over again and expecting different results. I guess when I was a kid I didn't understand that other people's actions, including Daddy's, weren't my fault. And, now, it's become second nature to believe that I'm responsible, that I'm not good enough. I'm always looking within instead of placing the blame where it belongs. But, it's tough. I keep feeling bad about having this anger toward my dad, about feeling that he was not a good dad in some ways. It's not a good feeling. I just wish I knew how to deal. Mom and I have this argument continually. She thinks I look back too much instead of looking forward, which to me makes me feel guilty because I'm just not there yet. And, I feel like I have to look back in order to fix whatever's wrong and move forward. I don't know. I'm just not the sort of person who can let it lie. It festers in my experience. And, sadly, I think both of my parents are examples of the "forget it and move on" philosophy not working.
TMR
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