Ah, antidepressants...

Well, changed antidepressants again...The bupropion made me too anxious - so much so that I dreaded changing and procrastinated. I'm now taking Effexor, and after two weeks I already feel tons better. It even seems to be helping with my PMDD this month, and my social anxiety problems.

YAY!
TMR

An interesting article on social isolation...

Americans' circle of close friends shrinking

By Amanda BeckFri Jun 23, 3:04 PM ET

Americans are more socially isolated than they were 20 years ago, separated by work, commuting and the single life, researchers reported on Friday.

Nearly a quarter of people surveyed said they had "zero" close friends with whom to discuss personal matters. More than 50 percent named two or fewer confidants, most often immediate family members, the researchers said.

"This is a big social change, and it indicates something that's not good for our society," said Duke University Professor Lynn Smith-Lovin, lead author on the study to be published in the American Sociological Review.

Smith-Lovin's group used data from a national survey of 1,500 American adults that has been ongoing since 1972.

She said it indicated people had a surprising drop in the number of close friends since 1985. At that time, Americans most commonly said they had three close friends whom they had known for a long time, saw often, and with whom they shared a number of interests.

They were almost as likely to name four or five friends, and the relationships often sprang from their neighborhoods or communities.

Ties to a close network of friends create a social safety net that is good for society, and for the individual. Research has linked social support and civic participation to a longer life, Smith-Lovin said.

People were not asked why they had fewer intimate ties, but Smith-Lovin said that part of the cause could be that Americans are working more, marrying later, having fewer children, and commuting longer distances.

The data also show the social isolation trend mirrors other class divides: Non-whites and people with less education tend to have smaller social networks than white Americans and the highly educated.

That means that in daily life, personal emergencies and national disasters like Hurricane Katrina, those with the fewest resources also have the fewest personal friends to call for advice and assistance.

"It's one thing to know someone and exchange e-mails with them. It's another thing to say, 'Will you give me a ride out of town with all of my possessions and pets? And can I stay with you for a couple or three months?" Smith-Lovin said.

"Worrying about social isolation is not a matter of nostalgia for a warm and cuddly past. Real things are strongly connected with that," added Harvard University Public Policy Professor Robert Putnam, author of "Bowling Alone," a book on the decline of American community.

He suggested flexible work schedules would allow Americans to tend both personal and professional lives.

I feel crazy...

Well, I've spent the past week contemplating how my brain functions. I cannot seem to handle crowds. I just get overwhelmed with noise and anxiety, and usually it ends with a great deal of embarassment on my part. I'm not sure why. It's like some sort of sensory overload. I really think I may be dealing with a social phobia at this point. I keep thinking it will get better, but it never does. I can handle conversations with one person - even in public - but I cannot do groups. I feel slightly deranged. I really do. It's not a comfortable feeling. I don't know. I guess I'm just not a people person. Or maybe it has to do with the hearing loss I experienced when I was small (from chronic ear infections and music played too loud). I jsut have to step back and take a few deep breaths and try again. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. It makes me feel like maybe I have more serious mental illness than I realize. And, that is not a comfortable feeling for me. But, when I'm with Mom or someone else close to me, I have no problems. Even family gatherings are not a problem. I dont' know. Maybe L's right. Maybe I am nuts. Or maybe I'm just a person out of time - like I should have been one of the early feminists or something in a time when things moved slower and people didn't think multi-tasking was the only way to go!

Sigh...
TMR

Porn and social phobias...

Another lunch with Shannon Friday. Apparently, the guys have been looking at porn with her on the web...from work!!! I thought all that shit was blocked out. Besides, isn't that sexual harassment or something. Then, she proceeds to tell the story of what they saw in front of the customers! I do not like Mom's work environment at all right now. I kinda feel like whatever people are into is cool with me, but if I wanted to be exposed to weird shit and lewd shit I'd be looking it up on the web myself. I'm sure the customer's feel the same way. I'm not a prude. People can do what they want. But, I don't want to talk about that anymore than they want to talk about what I am interested in.

And, I seem to have inherited Mom and Papa's propensity for not hearing details or distinct voices when there's a lot of noise. It's like my ears or my brain short circuit. I also have either paranoia or delusions because I can always swear that people are talking to me and then they aren't. It's partly the cell phone craze I think. I'll be talking to someone and then they'll pick up their cell and start talking to whomever. Or people have five different conversations at once or something. But, also, I kinda feel like I don't speak the same language as anyone I know in person right now. And, it's making my anxiety level go through the roof! I feel twitchy and shit all the time. But, when I'm at home and not thinking about social settings, I'm fine. Maybe I'm becoming social phobic. Maybe I'm just psyching myself out. I don't know.

TMR

Conversation is a dying art form...

Has anyone else noticed that conversation is dying art form? Everything is so fast paced and hectic. I've had people suddenly answer their cell phones in the middle of what I'm saying. I've had people have conversations with me and someone else at the same time. What is up with that? I don't know if it's something in my brain or just that I spend most of my time at home in front of this computer, but I can't keep up. (Oy, can that lead to embarassing moments!) I don't know you guys. I never really liked the whole go for an all-day visit thing my grandparents used to do, but at least they listened and didn't try to have five conversations at once. Maybe I'm old-fashioned. Maybe I'm too slow and not as smart as I think I am. Maybe I just hate groups. I don't know.

In other news, it's been a bad day. I think I have a stomach virus or food poisoning or something. Major stomach cramps and dizziness. Actually, the dizziness has been going on for a week. I don't know if it's the new meds or anxiety or what. I seem to suffer a lot of confusion lately. I can't figure out if it's that I have a lot going on in my mind and I space out or if there's a bigger problem. Actually, when I'm having a one-to-one conversation I'm good. It's that whole group thing again. I never know who's talking to me when. Very strange. Maybe I just need to get out more? I don't know. I really don't. But, I feel very stupid and embarassed when it happens.

TMR

Coughing and chipper

Since I can no longer take decongestants, my throat is killing me. By the same token, my mood is very chipper indeed. Not sure what to do. I can't seem to feel 100ver! And, all decongestants seem to come with those warnings about anxiety and crap. So, I'm coughing and chipper - a lovely combination. I'm trying a nasal spray, but those usually don't dry up everything. Any suggestions?

Other than that, things are good. Still a bit of anxiety at times, but that's normal for me, to say the least. Mostly I've been working, writing, and trying to make sure nothing falls through the cracks.

TMR

Weird CNS issues...

Well, my friend J has issues with bupropion, and I have issues with pseudoephedrine. I have felt jittery off and on since starting this anti-depressant cycle. Turns out those things have a lot to do with whether or not I'm taking an expectorant/decongestant called Entex. You see, Entex has pseudoephedrine in it, as does Drixoral an antihistamine/decongestant that Mom no longer lets me take since I'm totally whacked when I'm on it - angry one minute, crying the next, totally paranoid all the way through. So, I'm calling the pharmacy and the MD tomorrow to have them put on their records that they have to notify me if it has PSE in it. This is why I haven't been able to hold a thought in my head for the majority of the past week! And, the sad part is that now I know that I thought of it several times, but the thought escaped before I could really do anything about it. So, I just kept getting up every morning and taking my pills. I feel like a total goof. It actually came out today when I went to Mom's office to have a little closed-door meeting with her (since she's always strung out by the time she gets home). She's like, "Are you still taking the chlortrimeton?" I'm like, "Yeah, but I've never had a problem with it. It doesn't even make me sleepy." And, that's when it occured to me that I'd gone back on the Entex because I felt another sinus episode coming on. Oy vey! So basically I've been a bitch and a half all week for like no apparent reason other than my own stupidity.

TMR

Fighting the power...

You know, as educated as I am about depression and anxiety disorders, I still fall into the trap of thinking "God, I should be able to do better, I should be able to focus more, etc." I've gone through some major changes over the past few weeks - our flood, throwing out Dad's stuff, realizing that I'm in love with someone who will never love me back, Uncle Chester dying, etc. And, really, maybe I am too trapped in my own head, but isn't that just part of the disease? I really find it strange that after 15 years I still buy into the stigma on some level. Strange.

TMR

The continuing saga of tmr...

Well, I am no longer allowed to call him at work, and since he doesn't return any of my calls to his cell after work I guess we're pretty much not friends anymore. And, hey, that kinda sucks! He was very sweet about it, but it's still a rejection of sorts. I know he has to work and such, but I pretty much don't exist in his life otherwise. I've never quite understood why. We used to talk on the phone and stuff, but he quit taking my calls for whatever reason. I guess that should have been my first hint. But, then, he still wants to talk to me at times. So, I don't know. Everything must be by his terms or his idea (even though I had pretty much called him the night before and said the same thing), and I'm too much of a pushy broad to let him get away with that. Also, he plays way too many games for me. Why do we always fall in love with the wrong people? The ones who don't want us around and have no interest in anything having to do with us? The ones who are total mismatches? I don't know. I don't think anyone will ever love me - not the way I need/want to be loved. I somehow wonder if sometimes I don't think love can exist without massive amounts of pain. And, I feel really like I'm clinging desperately to any and everyone I can just so that I'm not totally lost at sea. And, hey, the PMS isn't helping.

Anyhow, it's just been a rough week. My great uncle's funeral is today, and of course I'm not going. I don't do funerals anymore. Too many have come my way over the years. And, really, the man was a dead ringer for my grandma (his sister). I just know I'd lose it if I had to see him, and I really don't want to subject my family to that. They have major issues with any display of emotion - which is probably why I'm such an unholy mess most of the time. But, the truth is that I feel like I'm losing my grandma again. He was the last one of her siblings, and everytime I saw him he looked and sounded and acted so much like her. He and her younger sister were the only two people in the world - at least that I'd ever met - who had the same blue eyes as my grandma. None of their kids inherited them. It was just exclusive to that generation apparently. Strange.

And, to top things off, my confidante, Steve, is out of pocket at Twangfest. When it rains, it pours. I know I should learn to deal with all of this on my own, but I'm used to having a sounding board. It fucking sucks when all that falls through and you're alone with your own thoughts and time to stew.

TMR

Headache City, Baby!

Having massive migraines these days. Things are stressful here - not only because of death in the family, but also I'm in over my head on a few things. I didn't intend to get in over my head - I just didn't realize that I was until it was too late. Not a good feeling. And, of course, my first response was to ignore meals and go to bed. My shoulders have been achy too - not sure if that's the meds (which supposedly can cause flu-like symptoms) or all the time I spend at the comp for work purposes. Things are looking up on the paying gig front. I have a few more tryouts. But, this jeopardizes my non-paying gigs a lot because I've got tons of work from them, but MUST make the paying gigs my priority for obvious reasons. That's where I got in over my head. I didn't realize how much I'd agreed to take on until after the fact. It's so easy for work to pile up, it seems. Then, I get overwhelmed and shut down. Okay, I'm talking in circles again! LOL. Anyhow, the migraines could be stress or the summer storms which creep up on us so suddenly in June. Or it could be my meds. I'm hoping it's not the latter, as I actually do have more energy when I'm not PMSing (which I unfortunately am right now!). Sigh.

TMR

RIP Uncle Chester

Well, it's rainy and stormy here today, and when I phoned Mom this morning she said her uncle Chester - my gramma's little bro - died yesterday afternoon very suddenly. I'm so sad. We had been meaning to go show him grandma's pics for a while now, and it just never happened. He always looked like my gramma too. You'd think they were twins or something - same blue eyes, same face shape, same everything except he was about a foot taller. LOL. He had heart problems, so that's what happened. At least, he didn't linger in pain. Somehow that's always worse. YOu can get over the shock, but the images of someone you love suffering stay with you forever.

In other news, the bupropion is making me very up for the most part. I feel better, but my sense of humor is a bit out there - not that that's new or anything!

TMR

Even keel

Well, I think my meds may have finally kicked in...Unfortunately, I now have PMS. But, I had a much happier day today. Joking and such actually happened. So, maybe it's all gonna be okay. I just have to learn to ride it out when the bad times hit. Exhaustion still hits unexpectedly, and the sleep patterns aren't so great at times. One step at a time...

TMR

Man/friend/man-friend trouble...

How do you know when it's time to give up? How do you know how much of it is your perception and how much is the other person? How do you know you're not just being paranoid when you think the other person is trying to get rid of you? These are the questions I've been grappling with. Because part of me hates that cowardice that allows people to reject without having to appear unkind or hateful. Somehow, giving people the brush off non-verbally or by avoidance seems too easy and even more annoying. I just mentally go into Sam Kenison mode, mentally screaming "Say it! Just fucking say it!" I don't know how unfair this is to the other person - still grappling with that - but probably not anymore unfair than getting the brush-off after a year or so of friendship (or longer in some cases in the past). I don't know. I really am beginning to think I'm too generous with some people, but I don't know how to turn off my caring nature for some and not for all. Unfortunately, I'm a misanthropic caregiver. Plus, I see the worst and accept it, but I do expect people to cut me the same slack. Very rarely happens, folks! The world is lacking love, kindness and a generosity of spirit. That's why I always argue with people who say the internet is a bad thing because, if not for my friends here and over on yahoo groups, I don't think I'd be alive at this point. Anyhow, only two more doses of my antibiotics, thank god! I think they're making me a bit crazy. But, hey, it separates out the people who can hang from those who can't, even if that is painful.

TMR
Currently listening to Springtime Can Kill You whilst watching the visuals on her updated Windows media player. Is that a pathetic way to spend a Friday night?

Constant PMS? Oy vey!

Um, okay, I feel like I have constant PMS right now, even though it's totally the wrong time of month. I'm hoping it's just the antibiotics and not the Wellbutrin. I don't know if I can handle another antidepressant change this quickly. Sigh. Anyhow, too much caffeine tonight to try not to keel over, now I'm wide awake. Sigh.

TMR

NP - Elvis Costello & Allen Toussaint - The River in Reverse

Communication breakdown...

So, I think my antidepressants ARE making me aggressive, or else my natural personality is just a hard ass who doesn't put up with a lot of shit. Come to think of it my mother is like that, so probably the latter. Anyhow, I think I've finally had it with passive-aggressive people. I can think of numerous examples from today, but since you've all already met my good friend L., I'll tell you about that one. So, I go in to help Mom because they're moving into a trailer while the dealership is being remodeled. L. and I end up out there at the same time - he's trying to unpack his shit, I'm trying to carry in Mom's. I'm just making small talk and enjoying the AC because it's cooler in the trailer than it ever has been in Mom's office. And, I'm trying not to fall asleep, which after nearly 2.5 hours in and out of the heat is damn difficult when one finally finds comfy air conditioning. So, I'm standing there watching him unpack, just telling him that I'm going to get my own office and stuff when Mom moves back to that bedroom. I'm talking and he's making these little huffing noises and shit. Well, pardon me I wasn't ready to go back out in the heat. So, I just stand there and absorb the air conditioner and spacing out because I'm so tired and I just need a few minutes away from the fray, and he's still acting like he's put out that I'm there. And, I'm thinking, "just say, 'Tracy, I really need to focus on this so that I can finish and go home.' and we'll be good." But, of course, he doesn't. He just continues to give me looks and hope I'll take the hint because I'm such a nice little girl and all that shit. And, he has the gall to act like I'm the one behaving badly when I'm pretty much just trying to rest a bit. So, I finally go, "L., am I distracting you?" "Um, yeah, just the tiniest bit," with a laugh like he's making fun of me for not figuring it out sooner. And, I'm thinking, "You dumbass, I figured it out. I just wanted you to act like an adult instead of a petulant child." But, I digress...So, I go, "Okay, so say that...nicely." And, he just looked at me.

I know he doesn't want me around, he's made it quite clear with actions, but I haven't been getting personal, nor have I been taking up much of his time. If someone's disturbing me while I'm trying to work, I don't get passive-aggressive and either shout or huff. I say, "I really need to finish this. Can we talk later?" or something. Duh! I guess this is what's been getting on my nerves for a long time. People either feel they have to be brutally honest or they feel they have to drop little hints. What happened to directness, to honesty, to saying what you mean (as long as you do it nicely)? Anyhow, this is just indicative of why most people drive me nuts! Maybe I am too demanding, and maybe I'm just taking it out on him because he annoys me so much. I don't know. I'm hurt and he's never felt bad about taking it out on me. Yeah, I know that's not an excuse. I'm just saying, no matter how much he dislikes someone personally that's no reason to be a bitch about it, which he is. His venom is horrible. I'm sure when I'm not there he's going "God, I wish she'd leave me alone - the bitch." But, you know what, I've never been anything but nice to him, even if I have bugged him at times (which he kinda started by lapping up my attention because he needed attention), so it's all on him as far as I'm concerned. At least, I didn't scream at him, "just say it, you coward!" which I definitely was thinking. I don't know what's up with him lately. He's acting like a butt but covering it with politeness. Yeah, that's not annoying or anything. And, news flash, it doesn't make you any less of a butt!

TMR

I must be doing something right...

I have this theory now that anytime someone's making fun of me or looking at me like I'm strange I'm probably doing something right. I mean, most of the people doing the making fun are people I don't exactly dig or respect necessarily. So, if they think I'm a dork or whatever, it's their problem and it probably just means that they feel out of their depth or something with me. Just a random thought...

The Wellbutrin seems to be working well. It's crazy. I actually had energy all day yesterday and felt clear-headed, in spite of not getting much sleep the night before. I did take a nap yesterday afternoon though. Then, last night, I actually slept like a baby. Thank god! If I can get my sleep patterns evened out, that will go a long way to making me feel "normal" again.

Anyhow, feeling better overall...Working through some self-esteem issues, as well as my own misanthropy. Sigh. It's slow going, but worth it!

TMR

Wellbutrin, day 2

Well, today was better - actually got a few things finished. I bought groceries and helped my uncle rip out the ruined carpet in the bathroom and bedroom. Mostly I just held the door. We're about halfway finished now, but the concrete is drying out nicely. Everything was soaked. Who knows how long that pipe had been leaking?!? A lot of the stuff is Daddy's and just needs to be trashed, but it's difficult. I haven't been as moody today. Still a bit dizzy, but I think that's the antibiotics. A bit more volatile than usual still, but not nearly as bad as it has been in the past with medication switches. Got teary a few times. I think the hormones in my BCPs are helpful too. With that evened out, I'm much less likely to get really ticked off at anyone. LOL. Anyhow, still up and down, but better. Today is the 15th anniversary of my Dad's death. I wish I didn't remember these things sometimes. I really do.

TMR

I'm so tired...

You know, somedays I just sit around and wonder why life has to be this hard. Surely everyone's life isn't like mine. I certainly hope not. I marvel at how people can get bent out of shape over minutae. I just want to go, "Are you kidding me with this?" I know those little things can be frustrating, but they're not anything to lose your mind over. Sheesh. Maybe I'm just spinning my mental wheels anyhow. I have no energy for various, already discussed reasons, and now I'm having to run all over the place and move heavy things. Every muscle aches, esp. the ones in my legs. And, my head is a mess - I'm not sure if it's the carpet issue or the antibiotics. I've been feeling dizzy since I started those. And, I feel a bit muzzy I'm sure because I'm just worn out. Everything's exhausting. I wish I could take some time off, but everyone seems to want a piece of me this week. It's unfortunate. I feel like yelling at someone, I just don't have the energy. Maybe I'll feel better in a few more days when I quit the antibiotics and can take my vitamins again (you're not supposed to take any iron or C with these pills). I'm on a deadline for Weds too. Mom says it won't be a big deal, but she'll be yelling at me to fetch and carry tomorrow. Trust me.

Okay, so I'm whiny. I don't think I'm whiny most of the time, at least not compared to others. SO, I'm allowing myself to be whiny this week. I've earned it.

TMR

Tonight's the night...

Well, a major breakthrough of sorts - realized that I am continually drawn to men like my dad and expect them somehow to behave differently than he did in the same situation. What is it they say in AA? The definition of insanity is doing the same things over again and expecting different results. I guess when I was a kid I didn't understand that other people's actions, including Daddy's, weren't my fault. And, now, it's become second nature to believe that I'm responsible, that I'm not good enough. I'm always looking within instead of placing the blame where it belongs. But, it's tough. I keep feeling bad about having this anger toward my dad, about feeling that he was not a good dad in some ways. It's not a good feeling. I just wish I knew how to deal. Mom and I have this argument continually. She thinks I look back too much instead of looking forward, which to me makes me feel guilty because I'm just not there yet. And, I feel like I have to look back in order to fix whatever's wrong and move forward. I don't know. I'm just not the sort of person who can let it lie. It festers in my experience. And, sadly, I think both of my parents are examples of the "forget it and move on" philosophy not working.

TMR

Wellbutrin, day 1

Well, obviously not much improvement here. Just started the bloody things after all! I'm slipping into that worrying phase again where I think everyone dislikes me or wants to be rid of me. I know its part of the illness, at least for me, but it's hard to get past it. And, I'm going down into my shame cycle where I take on all the blame for everyone else's actions. I gotta quit doing that. I gotta quit thinking there's something inherently wrong with me that makes people dislike me. If they don't like me, it's their problem. Fuck 'em!

I sometimes wonder if I'll ever truly be over this. Take this week for example. I changed meds, started taking antibiotics, our back bedroom and bathroom flooded, all my dad's stuff was destroyed in the flood, and the 15th anniversary of his death is next week. Yeah, it's been a shitty few days.

TMR

What's the big deal?

You know, I'm really much better off when I'm allowed to just escape reality, or at least the parts of reality that are painful for me. Everyone seems hellbent on making me face up to it, but really what's so wrong with just writing to my heart's content (and trying to make a living pursuing my dream) and working on my magazine and reading my poetry and daydreaming? I guess I don't see the big deal as long as I'm functioning and it keeps me from feeling like crap all the time.

TMR

What's a girl to do?

So, I'm sure you all have guessed by now that one of my friends can't deal with my depression. Let's just call him L. - former crush, current best friend of sorts here. Except that he just can't deal with me when I'm sad! I don't know if it doesn't fit with his idea of me or if it just makes him uncomfortable for inexplicable (at least to me) reasons. I thrive on helping others, even if at times I wish they wouldn't become as reliant on me as they do. I don't understand fairweather friendships. I really don't. Or maybe we just have different ideas of what friendship should be. I don't know. He always says he figures there's nothing he can do. Why do some people not get that just listening is something they can do? It requires little action on their parts in fact. Strangely though, listening is one of the more difficult things for most people it seems. I'm just terribly confused. My personality is such that I don't need people in my life who aren't going to be there when the chips are down (I can't deal), but most of the time he's a very lovely person and he tries most of the time. Maybe he's just stressed to, and can't deal with it. Mom keeps telling me never to expect reciprocity, but god help me I do.

TMR

Third day off the pills...

Well, the second day off the pills was a nightmare, as I'm sure was evident from my posts yesterday. I had more mood swings than a menopausal woman, more than I've ever had with my PMDD. It was a nightmare. I spent most of the day feeling rejected - not that that's anything new for me. But yesterday was particularly bad.

Today I just feel sluggish, like I'm in the cone of silence. Not a good feeling. I hate this feeling. I can't even write well. Everything is just difficult, overwhelming. I hate that! I hate feeling like the littlest things can set me off. I hate feeling like I can't talk to anyone. Primo Levi said something like if you cut off his ability to communicate with others it was like death to him. That's how I feel when I'm depressed.

Anyhow, hoping the day will get better. It looks like rain.

TMR

Another link...

http://www.healingfromdepression.com/stigma.htm

A random thought...

I sometimes wonder if the stigma attached to depression doesn't have some underlying sexism. The fact that twice as many women as men suffer from the disease seems odd. Or maybe it's just that men don't report/admit/recognize it as often.

TMR

Another link...

http://www.wingofmadness.com/articles/whatis.htm

"People who don't know, who say it's self-indulgence, sound callous, but it's not callousness born of indifference; I think it's callousness born of ignorance. That kind of ignorance we've got to get rid of, and little by little I suppose, we will. You say to them, 'It's a pity you don't know. I'm sure that if you knew, I'm sure that if you knew, not only wouldn't you say that, you'd try to help in one way or another.'" - Mike Wallace, On the Edge of Darkness

iFred

http://www.ifred.org/

About iFred
The International Foundation for Research and Education on Depression (iFred), is a 501(c)3 organization dedicated to researching causes of depression, to support those dealing with depression, and to combat the stigma associated with depression.

Though several organizations deal with mental illness, few, if any, actually focus internationally on depression in an encouraging, enlightening way.

iFred’s primary goal is to bring energy and information together from a variety of existing sources to educate, inform and change the way we look at depression today.

Depression Info @ Yahoo Health!

http://health.yahoo.com/ency/healthwise/hw30709/

What's so hard to understand?

Why do people not understand that part of mental illness is that everything becomes overwhelming? These people who think everything is as simple as making up your mind and doing something are really hard for me to understand. They act like I'm whiny and have no direction. Fucking A! This whole thing with Mom's carpet and plumbing has really elucidated some stuff for me about some of my "friends." And, why do some men seem to think women want them to fix everything? I'm not asking for that, I'm just asking you to listen. Duh! Sheesh. People frustrate me no end sometimes. I spent the afternoon helping Mom out at her office because she didn't want me messing with the carpet or trying to move stuff out of there until she got home. And, I can't just sit here in a house that smells like mildew or something and not do anything about it. But, everything I suggested was met with a "don't do that." And, I'm not good at sitting on my hands. I'm really not. And, it's really not my mess to clean up anyhow. I spent two days telling her that something was leaking. Did she listen? No. I spent two days arguing with her that what I smelled was mildew and not something in the garbage or something...to no avail. And, now I have to deal with people who don't understand that not everything is black and white. GAH!

Anyhow, Mom spent most of this evening telling me that I should just accept that people are like this, but I'm not up to it. I want to educate people. I want for this whole stigma to be gone, for no one to look down on others for their use of anti-depressants or their admission that they have clinical depression. But, maybe Mom's right. Maybe I'm just tilting at windmills. Lovely thought that.

TMR

Conformity...

A "friend" told me the other day that I should try to blend in better. Um, yeah, gave up that ghost when I was 5 or so and went to kindergarten. Actually, when I'm at my most miserable is when I'm trying to curb my excesses. I'm really beginning to think that there is a reason why some of us are what other people would term "excessive." I have another friend who thinks that most people called excessive or overly sensitive are really just super-sensitive to all the currents that flow through daily life and daily interaction. I personally prefer the latter, and I've never really wanted to just blend in. I don't want to be a rock star or anything, but I do want to be different. And, I am in a lot of ways. I would think that being like everyone else would be boring after a while. I'm also coming to realize how out of my element I am here at "home." I feel trapped in small-town America where everyone thinks that too many people take Prozac and depression is a sign of mental and emotional weakness. Ah, if they only knew!

TMR

Welcome!

I've been toying with this idea for a while. I know there is a wealth of info on the internet about depression - some accurate, some not. But, I'm viewing this as an experiment in catharsis (hopefully). So, I'll either implode or work it out.

A few things for starters...I've probably suffered from depression most of my life, but I wasn't diagnosed with major depression until I was 14 - one year after my father passed away. These days, it's still an uphill battle. Anti-depressants are good and bad. I think they are over-prescribed sometimes...and undertested for potential harm. (I think this is true of most prescription drugs these days though. It's unfortunate for those of us who truly need them.) But, I also think they are necessary if you have a true chemical imbalance. I think there is still a stigma attached to depression in some quarters. In others, I think it's become a badge of honor. I have experienced both. Neither really works for me. Mostly right now, I'm just working on getting out of whatever circle of hell this is.

More later...
TMR